Creating Experiences That Are Memorable with Gail Davis
Posted by John Livesay in podcast | 0 comments
Episode Summary:
It was in the early ‘90s when event budgets were big and the stages were filled with former heads of states and retired Olympians that Gail Davis was leading events at one of the world’s largest corporations, EDS. It’s now DXC. After watching the movie Alive, decided to search for Nando Parrado, the main subject of the movie. After research and phone calls throughout South America, Gail convinced Nando to come to speak for the first time about his experiences. The event was unbelievable. People were more than moved; they were inspired by his story. Two years later, Gail took a bold step and left a successful twenty-year career and launched Gail Davis and Associates with only one speaker on a roster, Nando Parrado. Gail shares how creating experiences that are memorable has helped her build GDA and provide service and a trusted partnership with their clients.
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Listen To The Episode Here
Creating Experiences That Are Memorable with Gail Davis
I’m honored to meet someone that I’ve met in person. Her name is Gail Davis of the GDA Speakers Bureau. It was in the early ‘90s when event budgets were big and the stages were filled with former heads of states and retired Olympians that she was leading events at one of the world’s largest corporations, EDS. It’s now DXC. After a hugely successful event, she was sitting with the CEO. The keynote had been a former president and he said, “That’s good, but next year find somebody that no one’s ever heard of but no one would forget hearing from.” One evening she was watching the movie, Alive. She decided to search for Nando Parrado, the main subject of the movie. After calling the bureaus on her Rolodex, she was told that he was either dead or spoke no English, “Wouldn’t head of state or an Olympian, be better?” They wondered.
Fast forward through research and phone calls throughout South America, Gail convinced an Uruguayan named Nando Parrado to come to speak for the first time about his experiences. His story at the time had been made famous by the movie, Alive. The event was unbelievable. People were more than moved. They were inspired by his story. It was a home run. Then two years later, Gail took a bold step. She left a successful twenty-year career and launched Gail Davis and Associates. She only had one speaker on a roster, Nando Parrado. She wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue managing events, just manage him or grow a large company. One thing she knew for sure was her experience as a corporate event planner led her to create a new model of serving clients and selecting speakers. GDA speakers are more than a speaker’s bureau. It’s a service and a trusted partnership with their clients. After almost two decades, they built a database of world-renowned thought leaders and they vetted those speakers and curated highly qualified speakers who they trust and deliver with confidence to their clients. Gail, what a thrill to welcome you.
Thank you, John. I’m looking forward to this conversation.
[bctt tweet=”Clarity and simplicity are great guideposts.” username=”John_Livesay”]
We always talk about the importance of branding yourself and being memorable and a sea of similarity and you have that in spades. People mention your name. It clicks energy for everybody. I love the details of this story of the origin and trying to find something a little off the beaten path. One of the qualities that I see in you is tenacity. The fact that you did go, “He doesn’t speak English.” You did what it took calling South America to find this guy. That would be some of the things that would be interesting to hear. Is that, in fact, one of the core assets that you’re bringing to the party and does that allow you to stand out?
You’re probably born with a determination or tenacity, but also it can be fostered in your environment. You mentioned that you were familiar with EDS. I know some listeners may or may not recognize that acronym, but it was a company that was founded by one of the most tenacious people, Ross Perot. The culture at EDS is if you want something done that no one else can do, just ask us to do it because that’s who we are. We know how to get things done. Working in that environment at the time that the story with Nando took place, that environment fostered tenacity. If you’re told no, there’s another way. That played into this. I’ve worked with lots of speakers and coaches who talk about vision and how important having a vision is. From the moment I saw the movie, Alive, and then subsequently saw Nando interviewed, I detected his warmth. I was brought into the story and I had the clearest vision of him on that stage. Everyone in that audience mesmerized by this incredible story which at times is a story of leadership and other times it’s a story about teamwork. Ultimately, it’s about the power of the human spirit but I always had that vision. I didn’t know how it was going to get there, but I had it so clear.
Having the vision, being born with a certain amount of tenacity and cultivating it in that EDS environment, all those things together played a big role and eventually Nando showing up in the alley and knocking it out of the ballpark. That was 1994. There was no Google. The story is dramatic when you consider that because at that time if you wanted a speaker, you were dependent. You used the word Rolodex. I remember a Rolodex. I’m calling someone who could flip through the Rolodex and have the number. The fact that none of the speaker’s bureaus have it and the fact that there was no Google made it a challenging situation, which I’m so glad it worked out. Nando, to this day, remains one of my dearest and closest friends. He is the number one go-to speaker of our almost twenty-year history. I’m so acutely aware of how many lives he has profoundly changed or encouraged. When someone has a good story that I’m able to retail in an effort to make the client aware of who they are, that’s just magic for me.
Creating Memorable Experiences: When someone has a good story that you’re able to retail in an effort to make the client aware of who they are, that’s magic.
One of the benefits of great stories is it becomes a memorable and people can then pass on the story and it’s in our DNA. We used to sit around the campfire and tell stories in caveman days and now we tell stories around PowerPoint glow.
I want to add an event where I was talking to a group of people who hire speakers and I was telling them about our industry. As an icebreaker at the beginning, the organizer was playing the game two truths and a lie. They said, “Gail, we want you to play and do this quick.” I said something like, “I am from Ohio, I can do the splits, I don’t watch speaker videos.” Everyone immediately raises their hand. First, they probably think I can do the split, but it seemed too obvious that they said, “Surely, it’s the fact that you don’t watch speaker videos.” I’m like, “I rarely do.” What I have built this career off of is exactly what you just said. Listening to speakers, being inspired by their story, having it be so memorable but I get on the phone and retell the story. Nando often laughs and says, “Gail, if anything ever happens to me, I have no doubt the story will live on because you’ll start going out and tell the story.”
Our stories can become our legacy. That’s where the social impact is because you as a business owner and the risk that you took leaving this secure job to start out on your own and grow something is what a lot of the audiences are going to be inspired by. What I see as a key, one of the investors who fund startups said to me, “Please tell your clients, don’t boil the ocean.” I love that visualization of too many things at once and you have done this. Can you tell us about how you had a goal of growing your company from just Nando to now 500 and then eventually 5,000? You said, “I need to put these things into three categories.” These three categories can be helpful for any business owner or even one-person speaker or entrepreneur. Share with us how you came up with those and what those are.
[bctt tweet=”Get focused into high radar and low categories.” username=”John_Livesay”]
I started with one speaker that my business model was a little shaky. I had one speaker and a guy that didn’t want to be on the circuit. His original direction was, “I don’t want it to be more than six times a year.” As I’ve started off, I was on fire about his story but I had an ad. On some subconscious level, I was measuring a metric that I use. A metric that I was hung up on is how many speakers do I have in my database because anything is better than one. I remember reaching out, making calls, working my network, getting 100, getting 400, I’m sure 500 was significant, I’m sure 1,000 was significant. For the early years to update the website and say, “GDA speakers have a database of over 1,500 speakers,” I started to feel I was getting some traction. I was getting some credibility and then I didn’t revisit that metric for a while. The next thing you know, it’s saying, “2,000, 2,500, 3,000, 3,500,” and the landscape of our industry was changing. I one day started to read my own press release and it said something along the lines of, “GDA speakers have access to and can help you with over 5,500 speakers.” It just stopped me in my tracks and I thought, is that a thing to be boasting about? Where’s the value add there? Can I honestly storytell with you about each of those 5,500 speakers? I don’t think so. Where’s my value?
I often compare our industry or what I do something very similar to a travel agent. There are people out there, especially younger people that probably don’t even know what a travel agent is. They are completely capable of going, searching and finding their own speakers. I also know people who wouldn’t dream of taking a trip because they value their time and they value the expertise of their travel agent partner so they wouldn’t dream of doing it without. I started to think a little bit about that and I thought, “If I’m a partner and I have a seat at the table and I’m supposed to be bringing value, I’ve got to revisit this 5,500 because I cannot bring value for 5,500 speakers.” I came in and I triaged those massive speakers. I like to keep things very simple, so clarity and simplicity are good guideposts for running a business. I said, “We’re going to first create a category called High Priority Speakers.” What are my criteria going to be? It’s going to be that we’ve booked the person, that we’ve gotten positive feedback from our clients and that they meet our economic model because as I grew as a business owner, so did my expenses. I now have real estate that I’m releasing. I’ve got employees that I’m paying for. I have health benefits that I’m paying for and 401(k) matching and profiteering.
Maybe in the early days, I could make $500 profit and it made sense, but when you do something with passion, you put the same effort into booking a $5,000 speaker as you do a $50,000. Through the help of a fabulous CPA, I realized that we had a threshold. We needed to make X or we shouldn’t be doing the deal. That helped me identify my high priority speakers and honestly if I could, I would just tell my team, “Let’s only book those.” It’s because we know them, they know us. They’re a proven commodity. We’ll probably not going to run into a hiccup and it’s a win-win for sure, but you can’t scale if you don’t constantly have something new. I realized my second category had to be radar and it’s exactly what the name implies. These are people that have been vetted through an existing client, through speaker relationship. We’ve lost business to them. They’ve got a New York Times bestselling author book on the charts. This is somebody that should be on our radar. We just haven’t yet had the chance to book them. If they’re going to meet our economic model, they’re highly recommended.
Creating Memorable Experiences: Anybody can book a speaker. We like to create an experience.
Then the truth of the reality is a whole bunch of others probably somewhere between 2020 400 speakers had to go into a category that’s called low. Low might be they don’t make the economic model. They were a dear friend back when I was booking speakers for this elementary school, kindergarten graduation but today we don’t do that. Occasionally we’ve made a conscious decision. We don’t want to work with a particular speaker. There was a bad experience with the client, they weren’t open to the feedback, they’re not willing to change. It’s small because this is the greatest industry on the planet. There might be a couple of those or maybe there’s someone that everybody wants but they’re simply not on the circuit. We try not to put our energy into that and try to keep our clarity, focus and drive on high and always looking at the radar to make sure we’re not overlooking someone that should be in that high priority category.
I’ve heard it broken out in those three categories that anybody in sales has to do, which is 20% of my clients give me 80% of my revenue. It sounds like that model is somewhat in your wheelhouse as well yet you can’t just focus on the 20% of the clients. This ability for speakers to move up from low to being on your radar, to getting into the coveted high category is very similar to the journey that everybody in sales has to go to. I talk about going from invisible to irresistible. There are all kinds of similarities to dating too. You’re invisible. Nobody knows you exist. The next rung up is only even significant and then we finally get to at least interesting. I’m willing to have a conversation with you. I’m not going out with you. I’m not hiring you as a speaker yet and then you get to intriguing and then finally irresistible. For any speakers that are listening to this, just realize that you don’t jump from low to high, you’d probably have to get on the radar first. This is the process. The other part of that, building a successful business besides this laser being focused, is your ability to have loyalty and trust built with clients like Barbara Lane. Can you tell us the importance of that and how you get those kinds of relationships?
Barbara runs a meeting planning company that supports associations in the Houston area. One of her clients is Houston HR, which does a large human resource conference, which is called the Gulf Coast Symposium. I was introduced to her by another client and we’ve only been in business and the first year there wasn’t that much of a budget. It was a smaller regional conference. I helped her in every single year since that first year. I had booked her speakers and sometimes it’s two, some years we’ve had three and it’s just such a rock, solid, loyal relationship. When we had our ten-year anniversary, she and one of her employees flew to Dallas and celebrated with us. I hope that she is also going to be here when we celebrate twenty because we would love to recognize her for all of that loyalty. She truly defines a partner. She knows her business and she trusts that we know ours and we collaborate. I would not dream to tell you that we haven’t had a misstep or two along the way, but in true partner fashion, she’ll call me and she’ll say, “We’ve got a new person in such position. You probably need to visit. I’ll
give a little bit of timing. This is what went down and I know you would want to know because I know what your values are and so that’s why I’m calling you to tell you.”
[bctt tweet=”What can I do to make it better?” username=”John_Livesay”]
When you have that collaborative relationship with your clients and you can hear feedback without getting defensive and realize that it is a safe environment, that’s the highest compliment I can ever give or get. It’s to say, “I feel safe to be myself with you,” and vice versa. As many people as possible feel safe to be a guest on my podcast or be safe to hire me as a speaker. That’s the highest compliment. This ability to create loyalty is what you just said right there because when you have an open collaborative conversation where you can get feedback, you build up a sense of trust that allows for the bumps in the road to just be bumps and not derail you.
I remember once I was presenting to a group of people that hire speakers. One person around the table had already booked his speakers and the other people around the table were potential clients. I remember he said, “Gail, I have a question.” I thought, “What are you doing asking a question? We’ve already got your stuff booked.” He goes, “I booked everything I’m going to do next year with you. What are you going to do now? Are you done? Is it here for me to figure out? What do you do now?” I’m so glad he asked that question because that’s another way I’ve tried to distinguish myself and also set myself apart. I heard him loud and clear. I don’t want someone just to book the experience. I want someone with me all the way, from the start all the way to the standing ovation. I put a tremendous amount of energy into customer service support, the event management, navigating obstacles that pop up, all the way through following through how did it go. That’s so important. I like to say that anybody can book a speaker. We like to create an experience so getting to know that client and maybe even suggesting something to them that we’ve learned from another client. They’re getting the benefit of all the various experiences that we have.
That’s the importance of having a strong network. I’ve seen this happen time and again. One of the clients that hire me is Gensler, which is the world’s largest architecture firm. They build skyscrapers in Dubai and redo the law offices in DC and they have a wide variety of different types of clients. One of their secret sauce is to bring in a Mercedes and a Facebook that they’ve done the offices or the build for together in a place where they can share best practices that they would never be able to get access to these top decision makers. Gensler is the conduit which creates brand loyalty. It sounds like that’s what you’re doing since you’re involved with so many different events is sharing what you see worked to make another event successful. That’s an incredible value-add. You take it one step further.
Creating Memorable Experiences: Podcast conversations are very different than a produced video. In listening to a podcast, you can pick up the story that you can retail.
One of the things I know that is a core problem that all businesses need to solve is attracting and retaining top talent. You need to attract and retain top clients. I’ve been brought in several times to help people win back a big client they’ve lost, but now you’re also taking your skill set of creating loyalty with the Barbara Lanes of the world into your employees. You’ve got someone named Julie O’Keefe that’s been with you the longest. What is it about your relationship with Julie that causes her to not jump ship and go someplace else that other people could learn from?
Loyalty is a huge thing to me and we talked about it with clients. It’s a great thing with employees too and Julie shares that. She is somebody that loyalty matters to a lot. We’re friends. We’ve been through many things together and lots of other employees who did their stent here and went on. Julie and I had the same core values. Julie also loves her clients. One time ago someone told me, “Do what you love and the money will follow,” and Julie does what she loves. She was just in town and we had lunch with a couple of her clients and we had dinner with a couple of her clients. It was so rewarding for me just to sit there and listen to the complete and total love buzz. One of them has used GDA ten years in a row, but they’ve worked with Julie for the last eight. When you try to scale a business, sometimes it’s hard to replicate the magic that you can have with the client, with another employee and the clients that they have.
Julie has certainly done that for sure. There’s a lot of loyalty there. She and I are wired the same. I spent the last two years trying to work on my leadership skills, understanding today’s employee base, understanding what they value and trying to become a better leader. Tweak some of my skills because as much as I can give you many things they taught me, it was a little bit of a command and control environment. I know that my leadership skills or lack thereof but greatly shaped by that environment. One thing in today’s world with Millennials and other generations, that command and control don’t fly. I have come a long way and the thing I appreciate about Julie is she and I call it like it is. We’re in this thing until the end, that’s for sure.
What I find fascinating is there’s that same trust factor again, whether it’s a Barbara Lane client or an employee like Julie that you can each say, “That doesn’t feel right, that doesn’t look right.” There’s that trust built up, so it works both ways. We’ve got all that energy going between clients and now we’ve got all that energy going between keeping great talent and that is your two-legged of a three-legged stool.
The speakers are the third. I love speakers that I can call and go, “I just talked to the client, we’ve got a couple of things we need to work on.” I love someone that will be like, “Thank you for calling. I had no idea. I was coming off that way. I had no idea that was an issue. What can I do to make that right?” The biggest majority of the time that I’ve ever called the speaker to say, “We’ve got a little bit we need to tweak here,” you will find on the other end that speaker that just wants to make it right and on the rare occasion are you greeted with some an inflexibility and defensiveness that they don’t want to hear.
“What can I do to make that right?” If you just had that in your toolbox ready to go at any moment as opposed to defensiveness, it would help. What you’re doing with this third leg of success that you have built is your new GDA Podcast that your son, Kyle, is the producer and cohost of. I love a podcast as much as anybody. I’ve been doing over 200 episodes now and I helped Gensler launched their podcast as a way to develop relationships with clients before they go into a pitch. It becomes a sales relationship tool as opposed to just waiting for a proposal request where they would bring me in to help them with the pitch. I’ve helped them figure out a way to get relationships with these people so it’s not a cold, “Hi, nice to meet you,” relationship. How are you using the GDA Podcast to help your own branding, help the speakers that are such a key part of your world?
We started off very aggressive. My son, Kyle, only knows one speed and that’s, “Go.” We were launching three a week and we did it for a year. We took a little hiatus and I am trying to figure out how I want to reinvent it and do that in conjunction with our twenty-year anniversary. I have some cool ideas. The benefit that I believe we got from the podcast was it’s just great to get back to basics. We did podcasts with so many of the speakers that we’ve worked with for years. For me to unplug and get away from the screen and get on the podcast and visit with these speakers that I’ve worked with for years and be reminded how they’ve changed or tweaked over the years. That was a phenomenal benefit for me as a business owner. It is also a terrific way to train internally. I would tell all of my employees, “While you’re commuting, while you’re running, listen to these because it’s different.” The podcast conversations are very different than a produced video. In listening to a podcast, you can pick up the story you’re there that you can retail. It was very helpful for that.
The storytelling becomes a sales tool for your team by listening to what the speakers saying on the podcast.
For clients on our proposals, if we had done a podcast, we just link it. They’re reading the bio, they can click here and watch the pre-produced videos or click on this. It comes up and while you’re scrolling, it’s playing in the background
There are so many different outcomes and ways to get a return on the investment for your time doing it. It also reminds me of the story of whenever a founder or CEO of a company goes into the factory and walks up down the aisles or Howard Schultz serving coffee at an actual Starbucks to get back to what their customer is saying and where they see problems. You’re reconnecting with those people in your high-end radar list and make it onto the podcast. It’s just another point of distinction. If you’re the first bureau that I’ve heard of that has her own podcast, then it becomes another staying cutting edge. Is there one thing you would like to leave the listeners with as to what you recommend in storytelling?
We talked about a great story is a memorable story. If you’ve thought a story that you can tell that people leave and retell that story, to me, that’s the magic. The connection doesn’t have to be literal. Nando Parrado survived a plane crash for 72 days in the Andes mountains. I’m sure that every single time he gives a speech, there’s no one in the audience that has survived a plane crash in cruising altitude. There might be someone that survived a plane crash, that takeoff and there might be someone who survived a plane crash on landing but there’s no one there that just survived a plane crash at cruising altitude. There’s no one that’s ever been stranded for 72 days in the Andes mountains, but every single person relates to his story. I’ve heard so many people come up to me afterward and say, “Thank you, I’m going through this. Thank you. I just had this experience.” Nando will listen and then he will write, “We all have our own Andes.” When you have a story, don’t try to make it fit. Just tell your story, be authentic. People will connect the dots. Give people credit. Inspire them and let them connect the dots.
I can’t thank you enough for your energy, enthusiasm, insights on focus and loyalty both in and outside of your company. Everyone has their own Andes. Be authentic. Terrific stuff, Gail. What a pleasure. Thanks again for being you. It makes the whole industry light up. It makes me thrilled to be part of your world, whether I’m on the radar or wherever.
Thank you.
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Zen Warrior with Sam Morris
Posted by John Livesay in podcast | 0 comments
Episode Summary
Today’s guest is Sam Morris who is the founder of Zen Warrior Training and if anyone has earned the right to call himself a zen warrior, it’s Sam. He is paralyzed from the waist down from a tragic accident caused by a drunk driver and he said, “While my legs are paralyzed, my mind is not.” When Sam talks about controlling how you react to circumstances and then how you think about what you can do in your life and not stop and not take excuses, he knows exactly what he’s talking about and faces challenges that most of us thank goodness we’ll never have to face but he’s faced them and has gone on to create a zen warrior training program, a keynote speaker and he really gives people insights into the tenacity and grit it takes to deal with whatever life gives you and figure out a way to make it happen. Enjoy the episode.
Listen To The Episode Here
Zen Warrior with Sam Morris
Hello and welcome to the Successful Pitch. Today’s guest is Sam Morris who is the founder and owner of Zen Warrior Training. What a great name. In 1999, just after leading a bicycling trip for nine teenagers across the US, Sam was in a car accident caused by a drunk driver which left him paralyzed from the waist down.
Rather than becoming the victim of his circumstances, Sam learned and created a system of mental and physical training that brought him more vitality, clarity than he ever had before his injury. In addition to coaching private clients in Zen Warrior Training, he hosts a Zen Church event in Santa Monica and I’ve had the pleasure of meeting him and believe me, he is someone that you are going to be inspired by. Sam, welcome to the show.
Thanks. It’s great to be on John. Thanks for having me.
Well, you’re just such an example of someone who doesn’t give up, right? I mean, I think that would really be … If I had to sum you up in a few words, that’s the first thing that pops into mind. How do you describe yourself?
Well, actually my tagline for Zen Warrior Training is let nothing stop you and that’s the motto that I’ve been living with shall we say for my entire life but especially over the past 18 years since my spinal cord injury. Yeah, I’ve been through thick and thin and spent over three years bedridden of my life and had to deal with those challenges, multiple surgeries, this and that.
[Tweet “Let nothing stop you.”]
A lot of not knowing what the future held for me and through all that experience that I had, developed this attitude of perseverance that I now use to train others with Zen Warrior Training.
Well, so many of us have our excuses from day-to-day. “I’m not in the mood to go work out.” or “This is too hard.” or “Man, I’m getting all these no’s when I’m pitching to get a new customer or pitching myself to get funding or pitching myself for anything. I won’t give up.” Right? Then you look at someone like you who has mastered the art of perseverance which I really think it is an art form.
It is an art absolutely.
It ties into Zen philosophy. Let’s talk about the combination of Zen and being a warrior because for some people they might think, “Well, aren’t those mutually exclusive?” How do you combine them?
Yeah, well that’s part of what I love about the brand too is they appear to be paradoxical but they are actually not paradoxical at all. When you think about how the more peaceful and present with yourself, the more grounded you are, the more powerful you become, then you’re able to conquer the challenges of your life.
It’s only when you’re in reaction towards your life’s circumstances that you become powerless. Zen and warrior actually sit perfectly together because it’s all about being peaceful, centered, grounded and then conquering challenges from that attitude, that mindset.
[Tweet “The more peaceful and present you are, the more powerful you become.”]
We’re going to tweet that out. The more peaceful and present you are, the more powerful you become. That’s a great, great take away right off the bit. Well, let me ask you, Sam, have you always been someone who’s been present and peaceful even before the accident?
Before the accident, yes I was definitely present, peaceful individual. I was an outdoor leader and had just finished leading a bicycling trip across the US for nine teenagers, and I was an expert skier and snowboarder. My whole life revolved around being in the outdoors. I was peaceful, I was present, I was vital, I was excited to be alive and when my injury happened, I had to step it up a notch. In fact, after leading the bicycling trip across the US I thought, “How could any challenge ever compared to the challenge that I’ve just been through?”
Ironically, it was only two months later that my spinal cord injury happened and the challenge was far greater than cycling across the US. I really had to step it up a notch to be able to have a good attitude despite the circumstances of my life and then a few years later, I ended up hospitalized and over time, it ate away at my will and spirit looking back over the course of those years.
It was really, really, really challenging for a long time. I went through a decade plus of not really knowing what life had in store for me and being the victim of my circumstances despite my best efforts to keep a good attitude about what was going on, but eventually I just transcended all of that and found, “Wow, I’m creating my life right now. The circumstances of my life are one thing but it’s how I’m interpreting the circumstances of my life that make all the difference.”
That is what’s actually going on. It’s not the circumstances of my life that are happening, what I’m doing with what’s happening to me that is actually happening.
Well, you have so much credibility in saying that because a lot of people can say, “Oh, just control your reaction to being stuck in traffic or what have you.” Don’t get stressed out, don’t get angry but your situation is such that a lot of people can’t even fathom what they would do let alone how they would cope.
Yeah, yeah.
You have so much more credibility than other people would just say, “Oh, you know, just work on your interpretation of the event.”
Yeah, yeah.
It’s so much more meaningful. One of the things that you have on your websites Zen Warrior Training that I just love and there’s seven points that I want to cover that you talk about that involve the system of meditation, awareness training and breath work that would have some real return on investments and the first one you talk about is seizing the moment. Can you talk to us about how do you seize the moment in your everyday life, you’re in the wheelchair and yet, you’re able to figure out how to do that?
Yes, yes, seizing the moment, being in the now moment is my only source of happiness. If I am stuck in my projections about the future or my thoughts about the past, I’m numb to my present situation. By being in the present moment, it’s not about … For me, it’s not about positive thinking. I don’t teach positive thinking to people. A lot of people ask me is it about positive thinking and so forth and I say, “It’s about neutral thinking. It’s about being grounded and centered and neutral so that positive things can actually happen to you so that you can actually experience positivity.”
That takes a lot of discipline, mental discipline to ground in the present moment and take advantage of the present moment because it’s the only moment we’ve ever got so you might as well take advantage of it. That’s the seizing the moment part. People talk about being in the now and so forth but I really think it’s about seizing the moment, really taking the moment back and making it your own.
[Tweet “If you’re stuck in the past or worrying about the future, you are numb to the present.”]
We’re going to tweet that out. If you’re stuck in the past or worrying about the future, you are numb to the present. I love that word numb that you used Sam because I’ve never heard anybody describe it quite like that and that’s really what it feels like your foot falls asleep, right? In this case, your brain falls asleep. You’re unconscious. You’re not even in the … you’re just numb and you’re numbing out with food, alcohol, drugs, TV, sex, whatever your choices so you really help us seize that moment. That’s fantastic.
All right, so let’s talk about the second one which is owning your power to conquer challenges. Clearly, there are some challenges you’re facing. How do you own your power?
Well, I realized early on in what had happened to me that there was no one to blame that the only … that I couldn’t blame myself, I couldn’t blame the person who was responsible for what happened. It just was what it was and you can either look at things through the lens of this is a terrible thing, this is this awful thing that happened. Yes, it was challenging but if I judge it as terrible, I judge it as awful, then I stay stuck in that situation.
I’m not actually owning my ability to be present with myself and to generate new energy and create and really focus my mind. Owning your power is really about taking back the power of, “Nothing can happen to me that I don’t allow on some level to happen to me.” If I am in a situation like when I was bedridden for months and months and months on end.
The longest period I was bedridden was seven and a half months. I did not get out of bed, lying flat on my back for seven and a half months. When that happened, I was fully cognizant of the fact that there was no one to blame, there was nothing to blame. I was just there having an experience. I was owning my power by being fully accountable for the experience that I was having.
I might not have liked the experience that I was having but I was being accountable for my feelings about the experience that I was having and a lot of people don’t … They fall in and out of accountability for the experiences that they’re going through.
Well, that’s everything, isn’t it? Especially in the business world, right? If you are going to take accountability for not hitting your numbers that you project or not being on time or all the 101 little things that we need to be accountable for. What I really hear you saying Sam is when you stop blaming other people or other things for where you are, you let go being a victim.
That’s right. That’s right. That’s absolutely right and it’s hard for people to own their feelings sometimes. Sometimes people will have these feelings where they’re really irritated with what’s going on and they’ll feel awful about like you said not making your numbers or whatever and they’ll go into a reaction, it has to be because of something else, it has to be because of someone or something or some situation because I couldn’t possibly be creating this in my own life but it’s just feeling.
All it is is feeling, it’s just sensations in the body and if you can get used to making room for those feelings to be there in your body, then you can learn from the experience rather than reject the experience and then have to repeat it over and over and over again until you finally learn from it.
Well, when people are pitching to get funded or pitching to get hired or pitching to get a new customer, they can sometimes go into this little pity party for themselves, right? This isn’t working. I don’t blame everybody else. You more than most people had to pitch yourself on not giving up and your third point here is let nothing stop you. How did you pitch yourself if you will with your internal thoughts et cetera, to not let anything stop you from being happy?
I’d tell you when I created Zen Warrior Training back in 2013, it was really with the commitment to myself that I wanted to lead a Zen Warrior life and that I wanted to hold myself accountable to that type of standard. I pitched myself, I pitched my own business to myself basically. I decided, “Hey, if I’m just doing this for a living, if I am creating value, Zen Warrior value in people’s lives then I have to be always pushing myself to be living at my edge, to be taking my mind to new heights and to be engaging more with the world and conquering more challenges and also relaxing more, relaxing so that I can have more power in me to be able to conquer challenges.”
I really pitched it to myself as the perfect opportunity for me to live the life that I wanted to live and knowing that as I work with clients, if I’m not living that life to the best of my ability, I’m not able to bring very good value through to my clients. My whole approach is I want to bring as much value through to my clients as I possibly can and in order to do that, I have to be very, very present with my own life.
Well, you’re a living example of how to not let anything stop you and then from there you say, “Okay, nothing’s gonna stop me so I want to live at the edge.”
Yes.
What does that look like?
That’s all about treating life as an adventure. It’s all about really getting out of the mindset that it’s just the burdensome experience and a lot of people can unknowingly get caught in that mindset, that life is just a burden and it’s never living up to what their expectations are of it and your job isn’t, living up to your expectations, your relationships aren’t living up to your expectations but that’s a very anti-adventurous spirit.
Living at your edge means pushing yourself forward, always pushing the envelope, always looking at what the next thing is, how can you engage with the adventure of your life? How can you be totally the hero of your own journey? It’s really about training your mind to be the hero of your own journey.
Can you tell us a story of how you have an adventure now?
The Adventure that I am on right now is scaling my business, to really create a really solid online platform where people can get Zen Warrior Training through and I don’t have to be working with them privately or in groups or workshops or whatever or speaking gigs but they can get video content and audio content and so forth. That’s the adventure I’m on. I’m looking for fresh new content, stuff that hasn’t been done.
I’m not trying to regurgitate anything that any other coach has ever created. It’s really about coming from my unique essence and what I have to share and that pushes me to live at my edge.
Well, that goes right into the fifth point you talk about which is honoring your truth and that’s really what you’re doing here, isn’t it?
Exactly, exactly. Being totally genuine with yourself all the time and I’ve got this contract with myself and really, all of these seven principles really create that contract. I’m committing to being authentic, I’m committing to being genuine, I’m committing to noticing when there is a tendency to want to be less than genuine and going what’s that about? Where did that tendency even come from? What can I learn from that tendency so That I can bring it back home to my authentic truth.
It sounds like you’re not trying to resist it so much, it’s just look for the lesson so that you can move on as supposed to fighting it.
Exactly, exactly. If you resist it like they say, what you resist persist. You just keep on having to experience that same basic theme coming up over and over and over again in your life until you actually get haters learning here for me. This is a good thing for me. All of this irritation that I’m going through is actually the perfect experience for me to learn whatever there is that I have to learn to become more self-actualized.
Well, it’s almost like you’re saying, “Don’t have a tug-of-war with yourself.” Right?
Exactly.
Let go of your end of the rope a little bit and just say, “Okay, what’s happening now? And what am I going to learn and I’m still going to move forward and make the most of this.”
Exactly, which leads us to our sixth principle.
Yes.
Yes.
Freeing your mind from the obsession with the past or worry about the future. Right? So many entrepreneurs talk about, “Oh my God, I get up at two in the morning with sweats worrying about how I’m going to make payroll or am I ever get a client? Buy this or how am I going to get … whatever.”
Right, then they’re actually training their minds to keep doing that and they’re training themselves to stay in that state of paralysis by doing that.
Wow.
It’s a subconscious experience. All of those thoughts are happening through the subconscious mind, the primitive parts of our brain that are trained and trained for survival basically and it triggers these thoughts and feelings that there is a lack of safety and that lack of safety oftentimes doesn’t go anywhere.
If you train your mind to focus on that and without knowing it, not that you would ever choose to train your mind to focus on that, but if you’re repeating that pattern enough in your mind, you’re perpetuating that experience and the next day you’re going to feel that way or you might make some money and your temporarily alleviated from that experience, but then a month down the road, you end up having the same experience again.
It’s really about noticing that tendency and noticing what I love about Zen mindfulness is it helps you to remove from the identification with the thoughts and feelings. You’re observing them but you’re not in them. If I’m observing, “I really have some nervous energy right now around this deadline that I’ve got three weeks from now.” or whatever. Where is that originating? Where is that coming from?
Is that actually … Is there a logical reason for me to be nervous? Am I just feeling the pressure of performing and being on? Or is there something that’s deeper than that? Is it a survival instinct that I need to be aware of so that I can start to not identify with that survival instinct so much.
Well Sam, you more than most people, when you talk about perseverating over a thought over and over again of negativity and fear that we put our mind into a state of paralysis, it has so much more meaning coming from you because you are paralyzed from the waist down.
Yeah, exactly.
Right?
Exactly.
I’m not going to let my mind be paralyzed too and neither should you.
Exactly, I realized early on and this … I realized this conceptually, it took me many years to really fully be able to experience it experientially but I learned early on in my injury that while my body may be paralyzed, my mind was not paralyzed and even the term paralysis just means stopped movement. There’s the physical paralysis but then paralysis in someone’s psyche paralysis in an organization, paralysis in a company, anywhere where there is stopped movement, now that’s a mindset.
[Tweet “My legs are paralyzed, but my mind is not!”]
Yeah.
It’s a mindset that there is stopped movement. There’s never stopped movement. Nature doesn’t occur that. That’s just not how nature works. Now, there might be a lack of sensation, physical sensation and motor function with me physically below my level of injury but that’s not paralysis. That’s just a lack of sensation and motor function.
If you take that analogy and I just happened to be a living metaphor, if you take that analogy and then you apply it, anywhere in life you can see that it’s only our own minds that create the feeling of paralysis which then triggers old subconscious responses and reactions that are actually undesirable and prevent us from living in the present moment and handling whenever there is to handle.
Speaking of nature not ever allowing things to stay static or not move, can you tell us about the blog you wrote about the bird that got trapped and if you keep trying to get out from where you are, you’ll wear yourself out and you’ll get free?
Yeah, I had a bird fly into my house a few months ago and it flew straight over to the window and the door was wide open and that’s why the bird got in in the first place but it flew over to the window which was closed and it had a screen on it too so there is no way that the bird was going to get out unless I hold off the screen and open the window and so forth.
I was trying to get the bird to see, “Hey, look. Look, there’s this wide open door over here.” All you have to do is just look around. There’s where you came in, there’s actually an exit but the bird was fixated on the window because it was the closest source of light that it could find. It was just fixated on that and it was thinking, “Hey, whenever I’ve gone into the light before, it’s always worked. Now, what’s wrong now? Why can’t I go into the open space?”
It just kept banging itself against the window. It just kept on doing that repeatedly, repeatedly, it would have eventually died doing that if I hadn’t come over and wrapped my hand around it and brought it back over to the door and then put it out the door. And this is such an apt analogy for the way that a lot of people live.
There’s the space that’s always worked. There’s the thing that they feel like has always worked the way out, the way back into freedom but sometimes that door closes and banging their heads against that wall and feeling like, “What’s going on? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my situation? What’s wrong? Why can’t I go into that space? Why is it no longer … Why does this not work anymore?”
Then they start to freak out and panic just like the bird even though the open door is just one little turn of their head away.
Look at companies like Kodak beating their head against the wall or Blockbuster is another one, right? They could have done what Netflix did but they didn’t. You just keep doing the same thing and then when it doesn’t work anymore, you don’t know what to do and you won’t allow yourself to evolve.
Yes.
Really great stuff and the best way to evolve is to free your mind if doing things the way you’ve been doing them and say, “What else could I do here?” Right?
Yes, yes that’s right.
Nice.
That’s right.
Which bring us to the seventh and final alliteration of catalyst change. What does that mean? I love the word.
Yes, be a catalyst for change. It’s all about serving the greater good. It’s all about getting outside of our own ego, projections about what our needs are and into how can I be of service, what can I do to create value in people’s lives and if we start to look in that direction, there is infinite potential. As long as we are looking in the direction of how do I get my needs met, what do I need to do to get my needs met to be able to make this much money to buy the car to impress the girl? All that crap.
As long as you’re on that type of trajectory, you’re missing out on an incredible amount of opportunity to actually generate, to actually generate wealth. Wealth is in the value that we can create for each other. That’s the energy of wealth. It’s all about identifying that value. By initiating, generating that value for other people, you naturally create the energy of wealth that then comes back oftentimes in the form of financial payment.
Nice.
Yeah.
You have an example, obviously, your accident was a catalyst for change but what have you seen working with groups in Zen Warrior that’s been a big change for the group?
Well, a lot of things. A lot of changes that are happening for individuals and when they come together as a group, they can experience, “Wow, this is not just something that I am, where I am changing personally but this person is changing. This person is changing.” And each one of us is creating more value in our lives and more value for other people’s lives by being more present and that reflection that happens in a group is really pretty profound because it goes from being a concept to more of a truism of where people can feel, “Wow, there’s real truth to this.” It’s not just some nice idea about the way the world should work. No, this is actually the way that the world does work.
Nice.
Yeah.
Well, I can’t thank you for sharing these insights. As I said, your words of inspiration have a whole new meaning because it’s not just a theoretical concept for you, it’s an actual thing that you have experienced and written above.
That is true. Yes, thank you, John.
How can people engage with you to either get some private or group coaching, hire you as a keynote speaker?
Get on my newsletter. If you go to zenwarriortraining.com, just scroll down to the bottom of the homepage and there’s a newsletter sign up. You’ll get a free 11-minute guided audio meditation that I’ve created and that’s the best way to stay in touch with me and to hear what the current news and free offers are and that type of thing and you can also follow me on Twitter @zwtraining, Instagram @zenwarriortraining or www.facebook.com/zenwarriortraining.
Fantastic. Sam, thanks again for being on the show and thanks for showing us how to never give up.
Well, thank you, John, for inviting me. It’s been a real pleasure.
Links Mentioned
- Website: zenwarriortraining.com
- Twitter: @zwtraining
- Instagram: @zenwarriortraining
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/zenwarriortraining
- John Livesay Funding Strategist
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How To Be More Charismatic! with Hilari Weinstein
Posted by John Livesay in podcast | 0 comments
Episode Summary
Today’s guest on The Successful Pitch is Hilari Weinstein, who is a charismatic expert. She said you need to approach being charismatic from the inside out, not the other way, and the ability to draw others in, which is really what charisma is totally based on how authentic you are. She gives examples of people who are authentic and who are not. Most importantly, she said confident people are really better listeners because they don’t need to prove anything to other people. She goes into a deep dive in all the kinds of confidence that don’t support you and the way to get true confidence. Finally, she said if you don’t trust yourself, it’s probably because you’re not taking care of yourself. Enjoy her secrets on charisma and confidence, so when you get up to pitch, you’ll be at your best. Enjoy the episode.
Listen To The Episode Here
How To Be More Charismatic! with Hilari Weinstein
Hello and welcome to The Successful Pitch. I’m very excited today because my guest is also a friend and full of information. Her name is Hilari Weinstein and she’s the president of High Impact Communication. She helps bring out authentic charisma in others, and who doesn’t need that? She helps communicators and presenters, which we all are when we pitch, become more compelling, confident, and authentically charismatic while helping the message become more effective and engaging. She does a lot of work in the design and construction industry, and she works with a lot of high profile individuals about being your high packed inside you.
Hilari, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much, John, I appreciate it. I’ve been following your show for so long and I’m so excited that our schedules finally worked out and we’re finally able to visit.
Yes, yes. Tell us, how did you decide to specialize in helping people find their charisma? I’m sure there’s a story there. How did become the charisma expert?
Well, I’ve been studying charisma for about 20 years. I started teaching a class that I called The Charisma Clinic about 14 years ago. Did a lot of research, a lot of reading, and working in the design and construction industry with a lot of engineers and architects and construction folks who aren’t known to be the most charismatic individuals on the planet, it provided a very fertile classroom in which to explore not just how to take somebody who was a natural extroverct and help them become more charismatic, but also look at some of those folks that are natural introverts and really break it down to okay, what is it truly that makes someone charismatic?
Initially, and in doing a lot of the research, I find that a lot of folks approach charisma from the outside in, where it’s, “Okay, how do I stand, how do I gesture, what do I do with my voice to come across as more charismatic?” The challenge I find is that when folks have a checklist in their mind about what it takes to do anything, they have a tendency to come across as somewhat robotic and inauthentic, which is really the antithesis of charisma. So what I started exploring was, okay, what could I do in terms of shifting their mindset, shifting how they’re feeling in a given moment to help someone display charisma without having to think of the mechanics of it.
[Tweet “Approach charisma from the inside not the outside.”]
As a result of that, I discovered a number of things. Number one is there is no single formula that works for every human being on the planet. What triggers someone’s authentic charisma is unique for each person. For example, I was working with a fellow who he had a very gruff appearance and intensity about him. When he walked into a meeting or a presentation, he had a tendency to push people away. I asked him, I said, “When you walk into these meetings, what are you thinking about?” He said, “Well, I have this song that I play at the gym, and it really pumps me up.” I told him, I said, “So don’t ever think about that song again when you go into a meeting because you’re scaring people. Your intensity is so big that it’s actually having the opposite effect of what you want.”
When I think of what is charisma, it’s the ability to draw others in. Authenticity is the source of that charisma, which stems from the inside as opposed to something on the outside. That’s really where the two meet and what’s unique about how I approach it.
[Tweet “Authenticity is the source of charisma.”]
So authenticity is the source of charisma, is that correct?
Correct. But there’s a lot of charisma out there that people teach and talk about that I would not identify as authentic because it comes … the source is outside of the individual as opposed to within the individual.
Yes, I get it. So it’s to the inside work out to be authentic and then therefore charismatic as opposed to, coming up with, as you said, the checklist of things to do. Shine my shoes, smile, pretend I’m happy if I’m not, all that good stuff.
Just to give people a frame of reference, let’s start in the business world. Are there any of the people you see — Mark Zuckerbergs of the world, Bill Gates, anybody, women, of course, that you think, “Oh, that’s a charismatic person because they’re authentic and they draw me in.”
Well, I find Arianna Huffington to be incredibly authentically charismatic. It really does come from within. I think in terms of people that would be highly visible, somebody else who’s also a woman is Oprah Winfrey. Yes, she understands the technical part of it, but when you look at her, there’s truth in what she’s saying, and it comes out in a beautifully authentic way. I don’t find personally Zuckerberg especially charismatic. I find Mark Cuban to be someone who is charismatic but not authentically so. I feel like he forces his charisma and forces his energy on others.
Somebody else that I think as very unique in terms of having authentic charisma is Steve Jobs because what’s interesting about him is he’s very … or, you know, when he was alive, he was very contemplative. Very aware of his own internal world. That’s probably one of the greatest sources of his creativity and innovation is his ability to go within and find some of those answers that he’s seeking.
Let’s talk about Arianna Huffington, for example. One of the things I think that makes her so authentic is her willingness to be vulnerable, and I see that across a lot of people, right? She will admit that she burned out and didn’t get enough sleep, so now that’s one of her messages to people. It’s a personal pain and it’s a personal experience of that.
Well, one of the things that’s you’re also quite astute in is the concept of confidence and I’m always talking about that to clients when they go in a pitch to get funded. You need to be confident but not arrogant. You’ve identified five different types of confidence. If you don’t mind, let’s go through some of those so that people can get a real sense of what the kind of confidence they need to have when they’re going in to pitch.
Absolutely. I actually think there’s a really strong link between authentic charisma and true confidence, as I like to call it. People that are authentically charismatic have that true confidence.
Nice. Let’s talk about the things that are not true confidence, is the contrast. The first one is inflated confidence. Tell us what that is.
Well, inflated confidence is when someone’s self-perception really exceeds their actual capabilities, and as a result, there’s a distortion happening and they have a tendency to really soak in praise like a sponge and have difficulty accepting constructive feedback.
It’s interesting, I’ve heard the difference sometimes between men and women with a job description, for example. There’ll be 10 things on there and the guy will say, “Hey, I can do one of those 10 things, I’m applying.” Then the woman will say, “Oh I can only do 9 out of the 10, I’m not applying.” Would the guy be an example of only has one of the 10 things, of inflated confidence?
Well in that scenario, there could be a number of other factors which would influence their willingness to just go for it anyways. It could be, you know, economics. They could be thinking to themselves, okay, you know what, I got to take care of my family so you know what, I believe that if they met me, that they would see that I could learn some of these other things. I think there’s a lot more going on that could contribute to the reason why men and women would respond differently in that scenario. Part of it may be confidence, but I think there may be some other things. Something else is some people really feel confident in certain contexts, where it could be, okay, people that they know or they’re great one-on-one, but you throw them into a large room with a number of strangers and their confidence completely erodes.
Yes, so that happens a lot when people are pitching investors because they don’t really know the investors and there’s a lot at stake. How do you help people that have trouble or freeze in front of a room of strangers?
Well, one of the first things that I tell them is the only difference between a stranger and someone you know is what you’re telling yourself in your mind. Because that’s the difference. Let’s say somebody’s significant other says, “Hey, we’re going to this party and there’s somebody there that you’re going to have to meet. He has a lot of the same interests as you, you both came from the same state, you both love the New England Patriots, you guys are going to have a blast talking.”
Now you don’t even know that person, but when you go and you meet that person, what’s the experience? Well, it’s almost like a warm introduction because you have this … you’ve told yourself something in your mind that says okay, I’m going to enjoy having a conversation with this person. By making the shift internally for you, it completely alters that experience.
Nice, that’s great. Well you can certainly do that by doing some due diligence on the investors in the room before you get there and know oh, we have something in common.
Absolutely.
How about the subject matter confidence, where they’re only confident when they talk about one thing? Let’s say … not to pick on doctors, but let’s just say a doctor can only, he’s a heart surgeon and that’s all he’s confident in. Ask him about anything else, and it goes away. What’s that a cause of, is it a lack of exposure to other things or is it …
It’s there’s a fundamental belief of not good enough when it comes to people that are subject … that lack subject matter … that are only subject matter confident. What I mean by that is … so let’s say you’ve got somebody that you’re working with on a pitch who’s incredibly technically savvy, is more of a scientist. But they’re also being asked for some questions related to maybe their business acumen, or how would they manage, or whether some of the things that they’re going to be doing outside of just the science of it to help make the business thrive and make it viable. There may be some people who because of their subject matter confidence feel less than when it comes to things that they may not feel as confident in. It doesn’t mean they’re incompetent. It means that their standard for excellence is so high in one area that if they don’t have that same excellence in another, it deflates their confidence.
It’s almost telling yourself you don’t have to be perfect in something to have an opinion about it, right? Some people say, “Well, if I’m not good at this, I’m never going to do it at all, because unless I’m the best, I don’t want to do it because my confidence, my self-esteem is so fragile that I can’t do something or try something new because unless I’m the best, I feel bad.”
Right. Then the other piece of it is accepting that certain things are a work in progress because things have to evolve. You didn’t become a subject matter expert overnight, and so learning these other things may take a little while. Sometimes it’s okay to say, “You know what, I need to do some more homework in this area.”
What about this concept of borrowed confidence, which I just love. I’ve never heard this before, where it’s someone has confidence but were borrowing it. Now, maybe when co-founders are pitching investors, one of the co-founders is sort of borrowing the other person’s confidence in the room, but it doesn’t last very long and of course, it fades. What can we do to avoid borrowing confidence that won’t last?
Well, and sometimes we actually need to borrow the confidence, and that’s okay. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I remember when I was a young girl and the first time I did a school play. My drama teacher would build and instill in me some confidence. I would go home and I would work on my lines and I would get frustrated, and then I would think about what she said to me, and I’d say, “You know what, maybe she sees something in me I can’t see in myself yet, but it’s there, I just can’t see it yet.”
Sometimes borrowing that is the first step in developing that real confidence because if we value someone’s opinion that much and we admire them, we trust them. When we lack self-esteem or lack confidence, somebody’s perception of our capabilities can actually assist us in eventually not relying on that confidence or the borrowed confidence to the same degree.
I like that a lot because let’s say you get funded and then you go, “Oh my gosh,” the imposter syndrome kicks in. “They made a mistake giving me that money.” Then you have to be, “Wait a minute, they’ve done their due diligence on me, they’ve made other smart investments. If they believe in me at the moment, they must have seen something in me that at this particular day I’m having a rough spot, I may not see. I have to trust their confidence in me to get my own back.” Is that a good example?
Right. Absolutely. Then the other piece of it too is sometimes we compare ourselves to other people, where you know what? It’s not about playing a mimic game. You bring something to the table but it’s completely unlike anybody else. Being able to look in the mirror and recognize the value that you have and the contribution that you can make to the world is one of the most important things in developing that real confidence. It’s saying, “You know what? Other people, they may have a different style than me and that’s great. They may have a different way of approaching things. That’s great, but you know what, the world also has room for me too.”
Nice. I think letting go of comparing yourself to others is a great tip because I know from myself when I just focus on my own progress, that’s when I win. There’s always going to be somebody younger, thinner, richer, more successful, and you drive yourself crazy feeling not good enough all the time if all you do is compare yourself.
There was a wonderful book that I read. I’m trying to remember … it’s called “May I Be Happy?” One of the things that the author writes is it’s not even just comparing ourselves to others. It’s comparing ourselves to ourselves when we were 15 years ago. How many people go and kill themselves in the gym and are continuously frustrated when they don’t look like they did 15 years ago? The body’s not supposed to do that. That recognition for me is to go, “Wow.”
Sometimes it’s not even the real me, it’s the perception that I have of what this ideal looks like. I said, “You know what, I’m not going to focus on the ideal. I want to really just like me now.”
Nice. Yes, it’s so true, and of course, then you could be the best me. Now the other one you talk about is this whole social media confidence. People talk about, “Oh, get so many followers and you have social proof,” and all that good stuff. Or you get so attached to whether somebody liked your picture or, “Nobody commented on it, I feel bad.” That’s a very controversial topic. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
You know, I know so many people that get upset if they don’t get a certain number of likes or comments for whatever they post. I had a conversation with a friend of mine, I say well, then tell me why are you posting? Are you posting to get the likes, or are you posting because you want to put something out there that’s meaningful to you? It seems like … it’s kind of like dating. When we go out there and we come across as desperate, people are less likely to respond in the way that we desire.
I think there has to be a balance. I think ultimately, it’s not about the likes. Ultimately, it has to be that you want to contribute to the world. Sure, maybe some posts or some pictures are going to get more likes than others, but it’s really, it’s about the big picture and it’s about contributing to the world in a positive way.
Well that leads right into what you say, is that truly confident people relate to themselves regardless of what’s happening outside of them, whether they get so many likes or not. In other words, you’re not needing that fix of, “Oh, you look cute today,” or “You look hot today,” or “I like that you …” to feel good about yourself. You already feel good about yourself, you’re not attached to what other people think. Right?
Right.
How would you say that truly confident people relate to others? What’s their secret there?
Well, truly confident people tend to be better listeners than those that are less confident.
[Tweet “Confident people are better listeners.”]
I love that, we’re going to tweet that out. Confident people are better listeners.
Yup, because they don’t need to be the center of attention. Truly confident people actually do a lot of self-reflection and they tend to process a lot of things internally. They actually have a relationship with themselves that is as solid as that they might have with their best friend.
And, you can be your own best friend.
Exactly, yes. BYO … actually, I was … one of the books that I’m writing right now. I’m working with the title, and I was going to call it BYOBFF. Be Your Own BFF.
Nice. You also talk about high-impact you. Can you tell us about that?
Yes. High impact you is really a combination of three different elements, the first of which is focused on vitality and well-being. Because when we don’t feel good, and when we don’t take care of ourselves, it’s very difficult to be the person in the world that we want to be. Our culture is so focused on doing, doing, doing that many people compromise that relationship with themselves and compromise self-care. I can’t tell you how many people I talk to that tell me that they’re constantly exhausted, constantly overworked, that they just feel like they’re this working machine. It’s impossible to be an innovator, it’s impossible to be creative, it’s impossible to have others experience you, the real you in this world when you don’t feel good.
So true.
Like you don’t feel like you have vitality. Once that is taken care of, it’s almost like kind of Maslow’s hierarchy. It’s like the basic needs have to be taken care of. Now, when those basic needs are taken care of, we have a greater capacity to develop true confidence. True confidence really comes from learning to take care of ourselves. It’s about learning to trust ourselves. Many people don’t trust themselves because they don’t take care of themselves.
[Tweet “If you don’t trust yourself, it is because you don’t take care of yourself.”]
That’s good. You don’t trust yourself because you don’t take care of yourself. That’s almost like integrity. How can you have integrity with other people if you don’t have integrity with yourself, right?
Right, if I make bad choices for me, why would I trust my own advice?
Wow. That’s deep.
The next piece after developing that true confidence is being able to actualize authentic charisma which is the effect that we have on others. It has to happen in these layers. What’s interesting is this was revealed to me backwards. That initially, I started doing the work on charisma, I discovered, wait a second, the way that people are teaching it is not the most effective way. It really has to come from the inside out.
Then, it was revealed to me the confidence piece and then the well-being piece, I was like, why did that happen backwards? I don’t know why it did, it just did, but I see how they all have to work together. Somebody cannot have authentic charisma if they don’t have inner vitality and if they don’t have true confidence.
Nice. Nice. Now Hilari, how can people work with you? Who is your ideal client that needs your help getting this charisma so that they can make an impact in the world?
Well, it’s really anybody who wants to have the effect that they have on others be in greater alignment with how they want to come across. Because oftentimes, people believe they come across one way, and how others receive them is very, very different. Making sure those are in alignment is really one of the things that I’m most passionate about.
I don’t start with how I want somebody to come across, one of the first questions I ask is, “How do you want others to experience you?” You tell me, and then based upon that, then we start working together because if what I see is not in alignment or what I experience through what I see, hear, and feel is not in alignment with your desires, we need to find a way to get them into alignment.
But also, my goal is to make people not reliant on me. It’s to help them start tuning into themselves and understanding the effect that certain things will have on others with whom they interact. I do that through one on one consulting, I do it through training, and I’m in the process of developing some online learning resources that will help people as well in all three of those areas.
Nice, because once you have charisma and confidence, you get more customers, you get more people to join your startup, and ultimately you convince investors to fund your vision.
And the relationships that you have, you feel better about because you know that they come from an authentic place.
Nice, fantastic.
So you have to work less hard at trying to convince people.
Nice. Well, I know you have a blog and a website, so tell us the best way to follow you and reach out to you.
Yes. My website is www.highimpactcommunication.com. You can also follow me on Twitter and you can also connect with me on LinkedIn and Facebook.
Fantastic. We’ll put all that in the show notes. Hilari, thank you so much for showing us all how to have a little more charisma in our life because we all want to be charming to people so that we can be charming to ourselves.
Yes. Thank you so much, John.
Links Mentioned
- High Impact Communications
- @HilariW
- Hilary Weinstein on LinkedIn
- Hilary Weinstein on Facebook
- “May I Be Happy: A Memoir of Love, Yoga, and Changing My Mind”
- John Livesay Funding Strategist
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